LOVE AND DATING SERIES - Part 2 E

Ready? Go! 

Greetings, my friend! Hope your week has been cool so far, the hot weather notwithstanding ;)

As a way of concluding this series, let's recap what we've said.

We've said that:

• God loves us infinitely; there is a world of difference between real love and what the world considers as love;

• We may have experienced the world's view of 'love', but God has shown us the portrait of His love for us;

• God has also expressed His love for us in innumerable ways, as seen in His love letter to us; and has made us to enjoy human companionship in the form of a boyfriend or girlfriend, however, He'd also like us to do it the right way;

• dating is not a sin; God instituted relationships, and is keenly interested in our relationships;

• It behooves us therefore, to define our purpose for dating according to the purpose for which God intended it, putting things in perspective;

• We must endeavor to ascertain our preparedness and maturity before dating;

• We should strive to build and exhibit strong positive values and belief systems as defined by the Word and not the world;

• And vitally important, lean not on our own understanding, rather, the Holy Spirit, to inform every decision we make.

Scripture says:

"How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That's not partnership; that's war. Is light best friends with dark?

2 Corinthians 6:14; The Message Translation.

Therefore, before dating, both people must share the same set of beliefs and values system. This is so as to avoid friction.

Take for instance; a girl who believes that her guy loves her only when he spends extravagantly and recklessly for her may not match with a guy who believes in financial prudence and accountability. And that will stifle their relationship.

Many of such instances readily come to mind in regards to this. However, the crux of the matter should be agreement.

"Can two walk together without agreeing on the direction?"

Amos 3:3; New Living Translation.

Since dating is a partnership, there must be a reasonable level of agreement on core values such as financial & sex habits, self-discipline, integrity, fellowship with God, development of one another, etc. No one is ‘bossing’ the other person; both have equal say and contribution. Decisions to be made should be 'our decision' and not 'my decision' - we've got to agree, rather, reach a compromise.

Also, very importantly, both people should try as much as possible to share the same goals in life. Not when one is heading north, the other is heading down south, no! But share same direction in pursuit of life's goals.

These four precepts: "First Things First", "The Right Time", "Measuring Maturity" and "Ready? Go!" will go a long way in helping us, as young people, to put dating in the proper perspective. However, let me throw it in here that the suggestions I've shared are based largely on research, experience and with concrete confirmation from God's Word, the Bible; therefore, not everyone may agree with them. But hey buddy, that's okay, it's understandable. Just that I'd rather be scripturally correct than Politically Correct ("PC")!

I also like to consider them as suggestions and not commandments. Therefore, you have a choice in this. No one is shoving them down your throat; rather, they are placed before you to choose between doing it God's way and saving yourself all the trouble...or have it your way and brace up for whatever consequences may follow.

Hope you've enjoyed the entire series as much as I have. Please, leave your comments, contributions, questions or suggestions, as they can be of further help to others.

I love you, but God loves you more.

Enjoy your day.

LOVE AND DATING SERIES - Part 2 D

                                                                                       Measuring Maturity.

Hi there,

We saw in our last discussion, When Is the Time Ripe?, when the proper time to date is. We said that it is when we are mature - spiritually, emotionally and mentally - and not only physiologically or our chronological age.

Some of the major factors that drive us (young peeps/teenagers) to date include; hormones, lonliness, curiosity, media and peer pressure. However, maturity can curb them. At the wake of true maturity is the discovery of our uniqueness, our individualism (which eliminates the crave for peer approval and acceptance, the desire to 'fit in'), thus reducing the pressure to date. Although on our own we do not have the power to overcome the influences of those urges emanating from more natural (rather physiological) factors such as hormones, maturity squares up to the challenge. In both cases, I'm referring to spiritual maturity.

But what's the tool for measuring maturity?

The only way I can measure one's maturity is not by his/her age, but by their values: what they consider right and wrong, their guiding principles of life, on what grounds they base this beliefs; what they consider most important in life; how they respond in times of seeming temptations. True maturity borders on your spiritual, moral and social values.

Remember what the Scripture says in Hebrews 5:14?

Good scholar! It says:

"But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their faculties trained by practice to distinguish good from evil."

(Revised Standard Version).

From that Scripture, we can see that there is clear demarcation between good and evil, right and wrong (remember, your  values tell us what you consider right or wrong). And the mature one is that person who can distinguish between the two by means of [mental, emotional and spiritual] training.

It is a known fact that people respond to situations only according to their set of beliefs. Illustratively, consider Mr. X, who sees ladies primarily as 'sex objects', plus, people who wash, cook and do all other chores. When he starts dating,  Mr. X will expect his girlfriend to be and do all of these, and when she doesn't, guess what happens. Yeah, you're right: he turns her into a punching bag and they eventually break up.

However, on the other hand, take Mr. Y, who has a wholesome view of ladies; knows that they are humans like himself and should be treated as such, only that they are more tender and should be treated even more tenderly, protected, respected, cared for and loved; who believes it is not proper to raise his voice at a lady, let alone  lift a finger on her... Can you tell what will happen when Mr. Y gets into a relationship? Yeah, you're right again, he's the catch for every young lady!

It's obvious from the two who you consider reasonable, responsible...or mature. But if I may ask, why do you consider Mr. Y more mature?

That goes to show the importance of values and their import in a relationship.

Worthy of note: values as used here does not refer to one's own preconceived notions of right and wrong, perception or world view, because they may not always be right - in fact, there are some who believe there are no rights and wrongs! Instead, I am talking about Bible principles and Christ-like virtues.

"But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

Galatians 5:22-23; New Living Translation.

Hmmm... who wouldn't wish  for all of those in their partner (and themselves of course)? They are often referred to as the fruit of the Spirit. That is, the fruit that spiritual maturity produces! It is the depth of your spiritual roots that produce the heights of this fruit. See how they kind of tie with the attributes of love (which should be the foundation stone of any relationship) as listed in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7? All these are direct products of spiritual maturity.

In like manner, emotional, and psychological maturity (which I'd like to refer to as mental prowess) should also begin to yield fruits before we step into dating. Let me state at this point that spiritual maturity [which is the process of growing into the full stature of Christ's love, wisdom, power and character] encompasses the others.

One other benefit of your values, in addition to it being the yardstick for measuring your maturity, is in helping you locate the 'perfectly imperfect' person who perfectly compliments you - both in the areas of your strengths and weaknesses.  They serve as the internal compass, giving you directions to him or her; that person whose goals, life principles and set of belief system sort of matches with yours.

In summary, to answer the question, How do I measure maturity?: Values is the yardstick for measuring maturity.

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Friend, we're gradually coming to the end of this series; we have one more precept left, "Ready? Go!!" We shall treat this in the next post. Join me.

Have a great day.

LOVE AND DATING SERIES - Part 2 C

When Is the Time Ripe?

Greetings my friend,

I want to believe you're doing great today.

So far, it has been an interesting journey with this series, and I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.

Perhaps you missed the previous post, First Things First, here's a radical summary of it:

"Hold on to every bit of being single and enjoy it until you're old enough to start thinking about finding a marriage partner." ¹

"And why should I stay single?" you may ask.

I'm glad you asked. Here are a few reasons:

1.      singleness gives us space to find out who we really are and why we're alive...; also

2.     singleness allows us to develop our friendships, our hobbies, schoolwork and faith...; furthermore

3.       singleness allows us to keep our hearts whole, saving it as a gift for our life partner one day...; lastly

4.       singleness helps us avoid the sexual temptations that come from dating...;²

Hope that has helped answer your question. Thanks to the book, Reach4Life.

As promised last time, we'll now proceed to know what the proper time to date is. I have reflected on this a couple of times and here's what I've found.

No one can put a certain age range on dating. Although some people go by their country's legal/official age, personally, I don't believe in that. That is because, the age for one to start dating has nothing to do with that person's chronological age, but everything to do with their emotional, psychological and spiritual maturity.

For instance, the legal age in Nigeria is 18. Suppose someone decides to start a relationship at that age, without first having a firm spiritual background, sound moral ethics and an overdose of emotional and psychological (mental) strength, you can rest assured that that relationship wouldn't last because he/she will crack under the pressure.

If these core areas of maturity are not concretely in place - spiritual, psychological and emotional - no one will ever be successful at any relationship. That's because we're dealing with humans, and as humans, we have needs in all three aspects.

I am yet to find a verse of Scripture that tags a particular age as one to start dating, however, here's a key;

"But solid food is for full-grown men, for those whose senses and mental faculties are trained by practice to discriminate and distinguish between what is morally good and noble and what is evil and contrary either to divine or human law."

Hebrews 5:14; Amplified Bible.

Friend, take some time and reflect on how that relates to dating.

Dating is for the mature, the full-grown, those who are of full age, "those whose senses and mental faculties are trained..." Just like an athlete trains himself, constantly exercising in order to build physical muscles, stay fit and in shape, even more so do we need to train and build spiritual, emotional and psychological 'muscles' before getting into a relationship...all for our own good.

Spiritual muscles help you refrain from actions that are not in tune with God's plan for you, supply supernatural power to help you exercise self-control and discipline...; mental agility helps us put issues in proper perspective, make well-informed decisions...; emotional power helps you know how to handle and respond appropriately to the emotional needs of your girlfriend/boyfriend..., etc.

You know, we can't give what we don't have. Therefore the entire process of maturity will not only entail physiological growth, but also a process of growing in the full stature of Christ's love, wisdom and power, so that out of the abundance of that which we receive from Him, we can then lavish on our girl...or boyfriend. That then becomes the time for us to start dating - when we're fully mature spiritual, emotionally and psychologically.

Is there a yardstick for measuring this maturity?

That's what we shall consider in our next post, join me.

Till then,

"I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, so that you, together with all God's people, may have the power to understand how broad  and long, how high and deep, is Christ's love. Yes, may you come to know his love - although it can never be fully known - and so be completely filled with the very nature of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19; Good News Bible.

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^{1, 2} Reach4Life, (Colorado Springs, CO: International Bible Society, 2004), p. 507